Welcome to the bloggage.

"If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting the same results you've always gotten."

I don't expect many followers, I don't imagine I have anything worth writing thats worth reading. I've never been able to keep a diary because I've always just felt that I was just ensuring my quick descent into schizophrenia. So here I am, voicing my frustrations and shortcomings to the digital world instead of paying the large quantities of Rupees it would take to pay a therapist. I mean no offense, and really, this is a sounding board for me so please don't take it seriously.

Monday, December 13, 2010

listlessly drifting away

I feel like I'm drowning.

Like the world is caving in, I can't breathe and I can't even perform the most basic of feats to try to save myself.

I feel like there is no purpose to life, I'm working so I can afford an apartment, and pay all of my bills, so that my credit score improves. I'm not enjoying what I'm doing, I'm not happy doing what I'm doing, but I've got no choice.

I am becoming numb....more numb than usual. The initial sparkle of a romance has faded, and I'm left feeling empty. Not for lack of love, I love him, dearly, I would be crushed and devistated if he were to leave me. My heart would be in bits, instead of just limp.

But that glitter, that shines through, and even through the pain and dullness of existence, it gives you that little shot of hope, has faded.

I know that I'm drifting away, and I don't know how to stop.

I sleep...when work does not interfere, for 12 hours straight....I used to not be able to sleep more than 9 hours without waking up sore.
My body hurts all the time, my back aches, or my head aches, or my joints ache, or my jaw aches.

I am sometimes starving and each as much as he does(he's a very big boy with a very large appetite)
I've gained 60lbs in the last 2 years, which has taken a terrible toll on my self esteem and sex drive.

I feel disgusted with myself, yet when I try to motivate myself to change, the day ends in tears. I set my alarm for activity, it sounds, I lie in bed, sore and exhausted without the physical ability to force myself out.

I am at my wits end.

I am nothing of the person I used to be, and I hate myself for it.

I feel like I've lost myself...somewhere.

I don't like socializing, I don't like leaving the house, I don't like talking to people, I can't stand being around anyone for more than absolutely neccessary.

I have lost focus at work, I am losing favor and desire to improve myself. I fear for my job.

My thoughts are disjointed and unfocused and I'm so very sorry. My mind is wandering all over tonight and it's having trouble processing.

I feel like I'm fading away, and I don't know what to do.

I am begining another round of organic homeopathic treatment for depression, but....I don't know if it will work this time.

I plan to seek affordable treatment soon....hopefully sooner rather than later.

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