Welcome to the bloggage.

"If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting the same results you've always gotten."

I don't expect many followers, I don't imagine I have anything worth writing thats worth reading. I've never been able to keep a diary because I've always just felt that I was just ensuring my quick descent into schizophrenia. So here I am, voicing my frustrations and shortcomings to the digital world instead of paying the large quantities of Rupees it would take to pay a therapist. I mean no offense, and really, this is a sounding board for me so please don't take it seriously.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

feeling trapped

feeling trapped and wounded
under appreciated, lost
in love yet so handicapped
unable to break free, unwilling to let go

divorce from the situation is not an option because I wouldn't be able to breathe without him
but he is drowning and I feel like he's pulling me in with him.....

Friday, December 24, 2010

the "C" word

So, a little while back my Stepfather had an incident.  He was bug bombing a friends place, when he realized, for some unrecallable reason, that he needed to return inside.
As you can imagine that worked out terribly.

He was seriously poisoned, which resulted in hospitalization and near death.

Well, we seemed to be out of the woods, he was recovering. He had lost a dramatic amount of weight, however he was eating, and swallowing normally.

Well, a couple weeks later, he started struggling to swallow, and he seemed to be suffering the poison effects again.

He was sent to an emergency specialist where they discovered encapsulated poison pods in his throat. In a desperate attempt to aid the healing, his body sealed the poison in. 

They went in to remove the capsules, also discovered that his stomach had turned upside down and pretty much did a natural bypass.

When they actually started to remove the capsules...they also discovered.....cancerous cells in his throat.

He is being staged...they haven't determined how long he has...but it has been diagnosed as esophagile cancer. We have been told that it's one of the most aggressive types.

Funny how these things catch us by surprise.

Saturday, December 18, 2010


I haven't had sex in ages, a6-nd it's my fault.

I can't blame anyone else, I can't even claim "it's a bad relationship" because it's not.

I love him, he holds me, he talks to me, he snuggles me, he supports me, we eat together, sleep together, laugh together.

I had an I.U.D. placed awhile back, at first no problems. normal reaction. But then about 6-8 months in....I start bleeding.....and didn't stop...

still bleeding....it's been months....I've gained about 50lbs...

I feel like I'm wasting away...becoming useless...

He's sleeping with another woman, which, let me explain by saying we're an odd...but very open couple.  I embrace his open sexuality, and normally I would be a participator, but...with my body being...broken....I am left behind.

With him sleeping with another woman, and me being broken...it hurts...

I feel betrayed even though, I embrace it and accept it and enjoy it.

I don't know what to do about fixing it, I can't find anything online that talks about this, and I don't trust the clinics I can afford.

I grow more hopeless, and feeling more worthless and..broken as the minutes pass....

Monday, December 13, 2010

listlessly drifting away

I feel like I'm drowning.

Like the world is caving in, I can't breathe and I can't even perform the most basic of feats to try to save myself.

I feel like there is no purpose to life, I'm working so I can afford an apartment, and pay all of my bills, so that my credit score improves. I'm not enjoying what I'm doing, I'm not happy doing what I'm doing, but I've got no choice.

I am becoming numb....more numb than usual. The initial sparkle of a romance has faded, and I'm left feeling empty. Not for lack of love, I love him, dearly, I would be crushed and devistated if he were to leave me. My heart would be in bits, instead of just limp.

But that glitter, that shines through, and even through the pain and dullness of existence, it gives you that little shot of hope, has faded.

I know that I'm drifting away, and I don't know how to stop.

I sleep...when work does not interfere, for 12 hours straight....I used to not be able to sleep more than 9 hours without waking up sore.
My body hurts all the time, my back aches, or my head aches, or my joints ache, or my jaw aches.

I am sometimes starving and each as much as he does(he's a very big boy with a very large appetite)
I've gained 60lbs in the last 2 years, which has taken a terrible toll on my self esteem and sex drive.

I feel disgusted with myself, yet when I try to motivate myself to change, the day ends in tears. I set my alarm for activity, it sounds, I lie in bed, sore and exhausted without the physical ability to force myself out.

I am at my wits end.

I am nothing of the person I used to be, and I hate myself for it.

I feel like I've lost myself...somewhere.

I don't like socializing, I don't like leaving the house, I don't like talking to people, I can't stand being around anyone for more than absolutely neccessary.

I have lost focus at work, I am losing favor and desire to improve myself. I fear for my job.

My thoughts are disjointed and unfocused and I'm so very sorry. My mind is wandering all over tonight and it's having trouble processing.

I feel like I'm fading away, and I don't know what to do.

I am begining another round of organic homeopathic treatment for depression, but....I don't know if it will work this time.

I plan to seek affordable treatment soon....hopefully sooner rather than later.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

In the beginning....

In recent days, I have begun to feel restless. I wake in the morning, spend all my energy just wrenching myself out from under the warm comfy covers, and then I sit, motionless on the edge of the bed. I sit there wondering, how did I end up here? What decisions have I made resulted in this moment.  For my purposes lets re-cap.

-High School was rough, made some bad choices-mostly grade related, but crushing suicidal teenage depression and ADHD will have that affect on just about anyone.
-I started dating, nothing unusual there....got my heart broken, also nothing unheard of.
-I decided to pursue and Acting Career in Hollywood-ended a year and a half after it began, with a large tuition bill waiting politely to be paid.
-Moved from Hollywood back home because I felt ashamed of my failure in the big city.
-chose to spend a summer living out of my car, working fast food, floating on different friends couches.
-fell in love with a girl, dated the girl's boyfriends best friend......yes, this resulted in disaster.
-worked some retail, hated the inconsistant hours so found a job through a friend with a Legal services office.
-Pursued a higher position in the company, was allowed to Transfer to San Francisco.
-moved to Concord to be close to the city.(ha, I learned later that concord is very much not close)
-worked a couple years there doing very well
-fell in love
-got engaged
-got unengaged
-moved to Oakland to be even closer
-was still in love and dating previous fiance
-chose to move back home to be with fiance
-got a low paying job and moved in with ex-fiance
-madly in love with ex-fiance, still living with him

This is a short and sweet of it.....

So I currently sit, after 1 year being back home, restless, bored, feeling....like my life is wasting away.

I grew up wishing for a fairy tale, a magical adventure...all I got was life, and it has let me down.

I wanted to travel, I wanted to do everything, I'm 24 and I seem to have done nothing.

Although, I have found love, which, I guess is something that is very worth while.

All in all, I'm voicing my general disaproval at what I've accomplished so far.

I intend to go back to school, but it's expensive, and it's difficult for me to work and attend school to any success.

So, I don't know what to do at this point, I'm sleepy and forgetting what I was saying.